Deci e aproape un an

Hey, numai ca sa stiti, sunt in germania acuma aproape un an. Dap, m-am mutat aici pe 26 april 2009, iar acuma este 11 april, deci mai sunt 15 zile. Si acuma, nici un an nu a trecut, incep in sfarsit facultatea in 2 zile, ce credeam ca wowww daca incep facultatea totul o sa fie perfect, nu o sa mai avem probleme, si chiar acuma ne-am despartit. Super nu? Da stiu. Da ok, recunosc, simt ca sunt vinovata ca l-am dat afara si i-am zis sa se duca inapoi la parintii lui, si el a vrut sa ne impacam si eu am zis nu si i-am inchis telefonu, am gresit, am gresit foarte mult, dar uite prin cate am fucking trecut cu el. El este agresiv, de ja de multe luni, ma impinge, ma ia de maini tare, ma arunca peste tot cand e nervos, tipa, si si zice ca totul e numai vina mea, pentru ca eu il fac asa. Na ce fel de baiat face asa, sa dea intro femeie si apoi sa spuna na clar, e vina ei? WOMAN-BATTERER. Yes, I think about that a lot, what will be in 3 years, if it's already so bad now. But hey, at least now we won't have to worry about that because he apparently doesn't want to be with me anymore at all, doesn't care if I stay here in this apartment or go back to Canada, as long as I just leave him the fuck alone. Wow, thanks, I love you too hunny. Apparently guys can go from asking a girl to make up and telling her he will always love her forever and then a few hours later, although he said he wouldn't, going to a bar with his friends and drinking until the sun comes up, and telling his girlfriend that it's over forever. I can't understand it, this day is so fucked up and everything could have been completely avoided if I wasn't a fuckin crazy ass yesterday and just started going off that I don't have friends as usual, it's always because I'm fuckin stupid. This is a really tough situation there is just too much stress with his fuckin work and my school and the fact that I have noooo friends nothing here and of course he wants to go out with his friends his whole life is here, and the only real chance he gets to do that is when we fight like idiots and he can go out. Wow, fab. While I lay here crying my ass off he just goes out and gets wasted. Yea of course, and then I'm still the one crying and begging for him to take me back even though he's the fucker who goes out even though he said he wouldn't. Yea ok I guess he needs time and then maybe he'll contact me, at least to get all his shit because we live together, but I wonder what he would do if he tried to make up with me, and then I just fuckin said NO and actually didn't make up with him and just lived my life. I wonder if he would be fine with it or if he would flip the fuck out. I don't know honestly, maybe he just said tonight it's over because he was really angry and drunk and tomorrow shit will be totally different, but maybe he really does mean it. I mean for real, who fuckin knows, maybe he has finally had enough of me saying "IT'S OVER" and just can't fuckin take it anymore and is just...done. Ok I just realized I'm not writing in romanian anymore, whatever. He's not calling me, I don't even know where the fuck he is right now or with who, or whether he's even coming home tonight, probably not. And also definitely not going to work tomorrow, fabulous. Man I swear I really am sorry, I really fucked up this time I just want us to make up I mean it, I can't even take it anymore, today could have been such a normal ass day and now this shit. This is fucked I am so sad and so fuckin ready to just die or call him or go out in this whole fuckin city to look for him and all the while I know that whatever I would do right now to contact him is complete bullshit and pointless because it wouldn't help with nothing and I just have to fuckin leave him alone and it is so fuckin hard I just want to turn back time for real. Please God, just turn time back to right this second 2 days ago, that's all I want. We were fine then, we were in love, he called me and told me he loved me, everything was perfect, and now everything is over. I don't understand. I don't understand and I want to hug him and just forget about everything. Today didn't happen, today was a bad day.